what’s goin’ on…

26 Apr 2004 at 19:36

tastyrerun

bible god jehovah Mac pain The Organ the Watchtower Watchtower

I have gone through something the last month that definitely appears to all my friends and family like a terrible thing. It appears, from without, that I have suddenly rejected Jehovah, rejected my wife, rejected all my friends and family and opted for being some sort of wordly jerk. This is not entirely true and is actually quite misleading.

I have a meeting scheduled with the elders on wednesday night. I have serious, major issues that I need discussed and yes, they have left me in a state best described as agnosticism. My faith in the organization and a literal intpretation of the Bible is currently gone, and therefore my faith in a personal creator and god named Jehovah is as well. Can they be restored? Time will tell. That’s why I’m talking to the elders. I admit I’m skeptical that I can go back because “extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof” and I need a lot of convincing. I won’t go into any issues here because I don’t want to offend or upset anybody. I may have things I don’t believe anymore, but I am not at all interested in personally rejecting any of the people I’ve ever loved or in tearing down or damaging anybody elses faith. I have scientific issues, not a sudden lack of morality or disrespect towards others.

It is true, however, that I initiated a breakup with my wife and that it has pained her greatly. I feel terrible about that, even though she doesn’t believe me when I say it. I love her and want her to be happy. The whole story is significantly more complex, however. Our relationship has been an unhealthy codependant relationship for years, and not just for me, for her. She needs me to care for her and resents me for it. I need to take care of her and resent her for it. There has been a lot of animosity on both sides for a very long time. This is not sudden and not related to my situation with the organization. She has not been happy or healthy and neither have I. I want her to be happy and healthy. I want her to find self-sufficiency and stability. I don’t want her to feel trapped in an unhealthy home (which is exactly how she has felt for the last few years, by her own admission). I have not “rejected” her, but have made a painful decision that I believe is in her (and my) best interests. Even had I not reached the conclusions I’ve currently reached about the organization, I believe our relationship was headed for this and that it is the best thing overall. I think she will be a happier and healthier and more spiritual person 10 years from now without me than she would have been with me. I’m lonely. I’m sad. But I’m also relieved because I feel like the best long term situation can take place now. I can deal with my issues, she with hers. She will rely on the congregation in a way she never has and I hope she finds support, love and answers there. I also hope that more importantly she learns to be a complete person in herself and learns that people are not evil and can enrich her life.

I definitely don’t expect anybody to support, or even understand, my actions these last weeks. The only way that would be possible is if a person had lived in our house, experienced our relationship and spent months agonizing over whether, with objective self-analysis, it was possible to be the husband and person she needs in the long run. I decided it was not possible and made a decision based on that, but it was very very very hard to do.

I am going to continue to write here, even though I presume none of you will read it. No matter my beliefs, I will not write anti-Witness garbage here, I still hate apostates, I will not personally attack anybody at any point, I will always respect the people I love and I will always hope for the best for Amanda and help her in any way I can. If the elders are able to help me, everybody will know soon enough. If Amanda and I are happier and healthier in the long run will simply be a matter of time. For now, please, support her. She needs it.

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