an actual personal entry…

14 Jan 2004 at 19:52

tastyrerun

I’m on my way home from work and I’ve decided to actually write a real honest to goodness journal entry. Not some sort of Nuclear Gopher advertisement or witty proclamation but rather something more personal…

The fact of the matter is that lately I’ve been avoiding my feelings pretty bad. I tend to be more productive on my projects when I do that but it’s not good for interpersonal relationships. A strange thing has been helping me straighten up these last few days though, Good Day by Pop Riveter. I keep hearing the lyrics in my head, “while I was eating, before the meeting, I was re-reading, what I had need of repeating. It was about love and how you shout love but you don’t know love if you don’t show love. Could read it ten times and never get it but then the sun shines so bright I’ll never forget it”. Such simple profound lyrics. I keep picturing my brother sitting eating ramen and contemplating what it means to show love and being so moved by it that he wrote a song about it and I think, why is it so hard for me to show real love sometimes? I provide, I service, I complete chores and rub feet and wash dishes and I think to myself that I am doing those things to show love but at the same time, I get self-absorbed, disconnected and lost in my own thoughts and all the things I do go for nothing because I don’t show emotion. I don’t show affection. I don’t know if this is something I can honestly change about myself. I think I used to think I could but that now I’m not so sure… Sometimes I feel like I’m teetering on the brink of some precipice with the broken remains of my mom and my Uncle Rick at the bottom. They’re my role-models for how not to live my life….

On the other hand, I’m not feeling my age so much now as I was when I was approaching 30 and stressing about it. Maybe I was making myself feel my age psychosomatically. I don’t know, but I’m feeling good physically and I hope against hope that I’m able to keep getting my head together emotionally. So many things are going well in so many other areas (work especially) that it would be tragic to let being out of touch with my emotions derail them.

The last few days I’ve been having a lot of fun with my RyanSutter.net site. I’ve had tens of thousands of hits on the site from over a thousand individual addresses in the space of a few days. It’s easily the most successful thing I’ve ever put up on the web. I got an email from a woman who had found and printed out the lyrics to my song Balalaika a year ago, thinking they were written by the television Ryan Sutter. She had pondered what they meant and when she found out that I wrote them and that they went with a song she seemed happy to have her curiousity satisfied (but I bet she was disappointed). it really touched me though that somebody carried around and pondered words that I wrote for all that time. It’s like in the first paragraph in this entry, words can touch you and you never know who they will touch or how it will affect them.

Anyhow, back to the site, I must have done something right with it because the traffic keeps climbing and there hasn’t been a single negative remark from anybody. I’ve gotten a lot of encouragement and thank yous from all sorts of people. In fact, I’ve even been told by some people that they didn’t know anything about the other Ryan Sutter at all and still thought my site was hliarious. That’s pretty cool. Oh so many things to do… and I’m so hungry… I need to get off the bus and go eat now…

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