I used to write a lot of stream of consciousness stuff. I would use words more for sound than meaning, trying to get a listener/reader to perceive meanings that weren’t actually implied by a direct literal interpretation of the language used. I learned how to shut off my internal editor and just go, to drop into a state of mind that was more free flowing and less literal. When I read poetry and writing by the great beat writers, Kerouac, Ginsburg, et al, I would aspire to being able to flow like that. Of course, I wasn’t on benzedrine or heroin or having crazy sex. I was just a normal guy trying to tap into an abnormal part of my brain and every now and then I could do it. I always felt that discipline, determination and self-awareness could accomplish anything that those other less savory methods could and that they were simply a lazy mans shortcut. I still think I’m right. I think that true unedited creativity is still within the reach of the non-chemically altered. I think it’s a matter of exercise and I’m just out of shape. I have turned my attention to writing informative entries and stories. Structure and communication are present in everything I put forth into a keyboard. I don’t flow, don’t riff, don’t improvise at the unedited subconscious level. My words come out filtered, arranged, set in exactly the places I intend them to go, meaning exactly what I intend them to mean. The truth is that my personality is such that this is my natural state. Communication to me is something that should always be accurate and correct. I strive for it in not just the things I say but in the things that those around me say as well. If a sentence has multiple possible meanings, I need to have clarified for certain which one it is, even when the context makes it obvious. It’s not because I can’t determine what the speaker or writer intended, it’s because the lack of clarity bothers me. I don’t like it to be hanging out there. I want communication to make sense.
Because I am so picky about words, as the years have gone by I have grown a stronger and stronger internal editor. He focuses my words and chooses them with care, turning my thoughts into a structure. My looser, crazier uninhibited self is completely inhibited. Sometimes when I’ve had a little something to drink or I’m very tired I can shut him down. I can make him get out of the way to just find out what comes out of there, what words flow but I used to be able to do it in my most alert state. It’s almost like attempting lucid dreaming when you are awake…
More From Ryan Sutter
