When i was a teenager I was scared. The thing I was most scared of was the dramatic difference between the teenagers and adults that I knew. UNlike a lot of teenagers, I did not assume that the adults had always been that way. I did not have any trouble at all picturing the adults I knew as cool, philosophical, dreaming teenagers with all the same confusing emotions and delusions that I had. I just figured that some sort of change must have taken place with them. Like they got to a point and decided to stop growing, settle down and lead a normal life. I was terrified that this was inevitable. That that was just a part of growing up, a part of life. You would think that if I was so frightened of that I would not have gotten married at 19 and taken on all those responbsibilities. Well, there were two reasons I did that (besides the feelings I then had for Tabithah). First, I was obsessed with sex, plain and simple, and I knew that my decisions would be clouded if I was constantly thinking about it (and the fact that I did not have it). Marriage provided a partner, allowed an outlet for those feelings and in turn cleared my head to focus on other things. Secondly, I felt that whatever it was that changed you from a passionate adventurous teenager into a “settled down” adult had to be beatable or else there would not be those handful of really cool, adventurous, youthful adults. I wasn’t going to stay away from a decision just because of the potential risk. I was going to face it. So, I married Tabithah and found out almost immediately that she expected me to “grow up and settle down”. She expected me to quit music and all the “useless” things I liked to do and be responsible. I, however, had my list and decided that no matter what happened, I was completing it. It was to give me focus and keep me from turning into one of ‘them”. My list was the list of things I had to accomplish before I was 30. Write a novel. Hear my own music on the radio. Travel to a foreign country. Get something I had written published. Beat my dad in a one on one sport. Start my own business. I don’t even know if Tabithah knew she was fighting against the list. I don’t know if she knew that I squeezed in time to write and work on Nuclear Gopher because of the list. I doubt she realized the fact that to me it was not about “having some fun” or “trying to make it big” but rather was about retaining my personality and humanity. Eventually, her and I divorced. I managed some of the items on my list before we split, others afterwards and one is still in progress. I have still never finished a novel. With under a year to go, we’ll see if I get that one. Even if I don’t, the list has served it’s purpose. I have grown into a mature adult (in most ways) who is fairly responsible (most of the time) who is a good father and husband while retaining my hopes and dreams and goals and core personality. I’ve kept the craziness, a little and not “settled down”. I don’t think I’ll ever be afraid to change or take risks. These leads me to the subject of this journal entry. A list for my 30s. It just hit me a few days ago that I should have one. I should have more goals than just those remaining on my list from my 20s or else I’m basically agreeing that life ends at 30. Life not only doesn’t end at 30, it’s barely begun. I have less hair and a little more of it is grey. I have a few minor aches and pains that I didn’t have before. I’m a little heavier. However, I’ve also learned about life and death, illness, marriage, divorce, money, children, families, friends, housekeeping, love, work and other cultures and worldviews. At my core, I’m the same person but with better skills and ten years more experience than when I made my list for my 20s. So, what should be on my list for my 30s? What do I want to prove to myself? What do I want to prove to others? What do I want to add to my life? What do I want to subtract from it? I’m not a teenager trying to hold onto his personality while facing the scary world of adulthood. I’m an adult who still believes all things are possible, that creativity is an essential component of humanity, that wants to explore and stay out of ruts, that has an 8 year old child, a career and a wife. How do those things impact what I want next? That’s what I need to figure out now. I need to figure out what my list is going to be. 10 years from now, it’s reassessment time again.
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