Last night stunk. It was one of those nights where whatever can go wrong does. Iwas really annoyed all night. But, this morning, it’s all gone… this morning I can only think about the fact that my little baby sisters getting married tomorrow. I have her wedding invitation on my refrigerator. It’s going to be real tomorrow. Robbie will become Robbie Matsumoto. No more Roberta Jael Sutter. That is just incredible. And then, next month, Reed and Jana are going to get married and then for the first time ever, all 4 of us will be wed. No more of the Sutter kids on the market. All gone. Bye-bye. First it was me, then Rhett, then me again and now Robbie and then Reed. Oddly enough, my mother came by un-announced last night and dropped off Jasmine. All Jazz wanted to do was play on the computer. I was in such a bad mood that I let her. I hardly saw her the whole night. That didn’t make me much of a brother, I know, but I was so tired… so so so tired… and everything was going so wrong. Holden pulled down the mouse cage and it broke and the mice got out and mouse litter and food and poo got all over the living room floor. That happened while I was at Wendy’s to pick up a chicken sandwich for Manda. When I got back and found Manda cleaning up the mess, I helped out. It wasn’t until we got done that we realized that the chicken sandwich was a hamburger and that I had to go back to Wendy’s and get new food. Stupid cat. Stupid Wendys. All I really wanted to do last night was sleep. Just sleep. Sleep lots.

Since when are my needs or wants important though? around my house, they rate slightly above the needs and wants of inanimate objects… and not the nice inanimate objects… more like the onces we don’t use. My life consists of taking care of things and people and animals and responsibilities. some days I am fine with that. Then, some days, I just don’t have the energy to take care of anyone and I need to take care of myself and I cannot. If I start to fall asleep because I am exhausted, Manda will get upset with me for not ‘caring enough to stay awake and pay attention’ or she will tell me about something or another that needs to get done before I can sleep. Take out the dog, trash, load the dishwasher, fold laundry, whatever. She does plenty of stuff too, but she expects my help. The thing is, I am awake every night until 12:30 or 1:00 or later (because that’s how late Manda stays up). Unlike her, however, I wake up at 7:00 and go to work (after feeding the pets and taking the dog out and taking out the trash on Fridays). I don’t get to sleep or rest all day. I am awake and functioning something like 18 or 19 out of every 24 hours. I get tired. Very very tired. When I reach a point where I cannot stay awake anymore, it’s not because “I don’t care” but because I care so much that I have worn myself out. If I could survive without sleep, I’d do it gladly, but I can’t… Anyhow, my mom didn’t show up to get Jazz until almost 1:30 in the morning and I was half asleep on the couch until then and then went back to bed and slept until 7:00 or so. This morning… I am tired. Very very tired.

On the good side, I had a really cool dream last night. I was running a marathon. I didn’t have any previous experience running a marathon. But, I did it. In my dream I ran and ran and ran and didn’t get tired. I didn’t have to stop. I just kept going and it was great. It felt great. I was flying on my feet. In real-life, I would never want to run a marathon. That sounds like a horrible idea. But in my dream, I could run forever.

So now, here I am, head aching, riding the bus, getting to work way later then i wanted to because I couldn’t get out of the house on time this morning to catch the earlier bus. I read a little in my ASL textbook. Thought about reading some in my Russian textbook (but thought better of it because my brain is not ready for Russian right now). The main questions on my mind right now are a) how early can I get to bed tonight? b) if I try really hard can I fit in a nap? c) how many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? and d) do Reed, Jon or Jenn like my new album? The answers to these and many more fascinating questions probably await somewhere in my future… but maybe not. I mean, nobody ever found out about the Tootsie Pop thing… I tried many times.. lost count and then bit the thing….

Impromptu poetry time:

I stand under grey skies
wearing a blue bathrobe
fabric like a towel
for a moment
I can feel the mass of the world
I can see myself standing
on a massive sphere
a tiny dot
I can see myself from space
time stops
nowhere else do I smell the air
and learn so much
nowhere else to a see the sun
although it’s hidden
behind clouds
my feet, bare toes
pull shoots of grass up
I remember eating grass as a child
there is one pure moment
one second in which I would stay
if I could
I draw back into myself
I feel crumbled bits
draw into a whole
a pillar in my chest
of stone and iron
reforms, rebuilds, coaleces
I turn, I return
I bring the dog back in the house

Thank you, thank you very much…. That has been Impromptu Poetry time in which I just write whatever comes out, be it good or be it crap and I don’t allow myself to edit it. Man this has been a long journal entry, but the alternative is (I guess) to just sit here on the bus and stare and that sounds kinda boring so, I’m still writing. But, I think I’ll stop now. It’s almost time to get off the bus.

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RyanSutter has content marketing with Arkayne Socialize.

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